The game so delayed you’d think it had been sent by City Link is almost within our grasp. Those who pre-ordered or bought Borderlands GOTY edition and therefore got a membership to the First Access Club have been hurriedly downloading the demo all day.
If I was a comic character and you were reading the strip about me playing the demo, here’s what would be appearing in the thought bubbles:
- Intro is like a ‘previously on Duke Nukem’ montage. Nice.
- Games starts and I’m stood at a urinal. And now I’m pissing. Stilll pissing. Bored of pissing now.
- Why have a Whiteboard unless you want me to draw a cock on a rocket powered skateboard on it? I am not above that juvenile level of humouring myself.
- Ugh, checkpoints.
- Locked door syndrome. Duke Nukem, the guy who single handed tears off alien heads and shits down their necks can’t open a door. Go Duke!
- Replaying the last level of Duke 3D is nice. Reminiscent of good times. A simpler time. All nostalgic and warm.
- The health meter is labelled ‘Ego’. Can see why, it’s certainly reflective. Bit wank really though.
- Cycloid dead, field goal scored. Yay.
- Fourth wall broken, 12 years in the making joke done. Yawn.
- The twins fellating Duke while playing is a bit crass. Not sure who that’s supposed to appeal to. It’s not in any way erotic and on a humour level I don’t see what a joke aimed at thirteen year olds is doing in an 18 rated game.
- Driving section. Everyone loves a driving section in a FPS, right?
- Hang on, am I in an RC car? No, it just looks out of proportion and as responsive as a Trappist monk to an offer of a bit of karaoke.
- I do so hate the bloodied retinal blur of impending death.
- Is it me or is the FOV a little narrow?
- Shotgun is meaty. Wish it was as powerful as it feels and sounds.
- Can only carry two firearms at a time. Good. All shooters should adopt this rule.
- Some of the environment is destructible. Cool.
- Yeah shrink ray. Squishy pigs, kersplat.
- Executions. That won’t get old quick.
- I’m sorry the game seems to have accidentally stumbled into an Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom game. If I could just borrow a mine cart to ride back to the FPS I was playing, thanks.
- Oh, is that it?
So that’s that. The demo is short and doesn’t offer anything new or original to the genre. Neither does it make me want to rush out and buy the full game on release. It does remind me of how shooters used to be. Simple, ridiculous, fun. For that reason it’s definitely on my list for a purchase, but it can wait.
